I think that young people view love as this sort of grand event that has to somehow be new and exciting and passionate all the time. I don't blame movies for this, but I think that a lot of times young people think love is something that happens in the romantic movies. In most cases, the movie ends with the guy coming around, just catching the girl as she is about to leave or give up on him forever. He apologizes for what he's done, or if he hasn't done anything, he makes this big speech about always loving her (despite the oversight of him not knowing her that well or for very long). And then he says he wants to be with her forever, she says yes, they kiss, the credits roll and an indie rock song plays.
What people don't understand is that in real life, your world and your relationship continue long after those actors finish and get to go home. What happens after you kiss the girl? In real life you can't freeze the scene and then cut to another scene in which you're at home, reminiscing. You kiss, then you stand there, and there is no soundtrack, then you have to decide what to do next.
Additionally, those fiery feelings for your “sweetie” ALWAYS fade. I'm not saying that because I'm cynical or don't believe in love, but it's true. It's also true that they are replaced by deeper, more meaningful feelings.
When I first met Janelle and we first got involved, I couldn't do a single productive thing. I was caught up in that heady, dizzy feeling that is not love but just giddiness. I thought about her all the time, I wanted to doodle her name in notebooks; I wrote about her, I wanted to call her a thousand times a day. It was a wonderful time, but I'm so glad it's over. I would have exploded if that lasts forever. If that is love, we would all die, or at the least the country would grind to a halt. Nobody would be able to think clearly. Nobody would go to work. We'd all want to be outside flying kites and eating ice cream and thinking about cute names for our non-existent children.
I'm more impressed where I am now. It's love, real love. We trust each other. We don't have to call each other a million times a day just to prove ourselves. I don't get worried that she "doesn't like me anymore" just because she doesn't return my text message within 25 seconds. I still think about her all the time, but in a different way. Whenever I see her I still lose my breath, but it's for a different reason. It's because I love her mind, her soul. I love all kinds of things about her that go way beyond the first three weeks of lunacy in relationships. And you know what? It's ordinary.
Before I left, we did regular things, but that is what makes it so extraordinary. We don't need fireworks everyday. We are happy just being with each other. We enjoy each other, not the situation.
That doesn't mean that there aren't bad days. There are plenty of them. We fight. We argue. But this type of happiness exists beneath all those surface anxieties; we understand that we have to work together to reach conclusions instead of trying to find ways to prove that our point is the right one.
We compromise. We sacrifice. We are patient.
Young people sometimes forget all this. They think that love has to be dramatic. They think that if their significant other isn't "on" all the time that there is something wrong with the relationship. Those first few weeks are lovely, but they made me so anxious. You don't know if it's going to work out, you don't know if you want to invest everything into this new person, you don't know anything really. And yet, people tend to return to these times when searching for "love."
I wish that more people would realize that love is not glamorous, and it's not a big public display, and it's not a thousand roses and exotic vacations and fancy restaurants. Love, most of the time, is quiet. It is intimate. It is between two people and nobody else ever has to know or understand the particulars. It just exists, and it persists. It is this wonderful bond between two people.
There you have it...I'll be back behind the keyboard on Thursday. Until then, good night, and good luck.
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