PETA Don't Play That

I had to come back early just to post this. PETA is enraged that the NBA is going back to using a leather ball after trying out a new synthetic-composite ball the first 2 months of the season. Players complained that it was too slippery and somehow caused cuts and scrapes, presumably by picking up and holding on to dirt/debris off the floors.

Whatever the case, PETA responded by sending the NBA a brilliantly scathing memo, excerpted below:

"As excruciating as these 'injuries' must be for a world-class athlete, thousands of cows stand to suffer far worse if the NBA goes back to a leather basketball — so we'd like to suggest a compromise.

PETA would like to offer a lifetime supply of cruelty-free hand cream to any NBA siss … excuse me, superstar who'd be willing to give the composite ball another shot. Recreational players and NCAA athletes have been using composite balls for years without experiencing scratches or scrapes — but we understand that the delicate hands of pampered NBA superstars are far more sensitive than those of your average Joe who actually has to work for a living.

The hand cream comes in a variety of scents, including "Filthy Rich Organic" (perfect for any overpaid millionaire) and "Peaceful Patchouli" — Nash, we have a whole case of that set aside for you. Maybe by taking care of your own skin a bit better, you can allow cows who would otherwise meet their end in the slaughterhouse to keep theirs."

To Shaq: "as one of the players who has been most critical of the composite ball, you could volunteer to be our test case — since you've only played four games all season, surely you have time to work a moisturizing routine into your schedule."

To Lebron James: "the NCAA has used the composite ball for years — so it's not only an education you missed out on. Maybe you just need some more time to adjust."